The UF

Flag of the UF

New York, United Nations Press Release —
Due to a lack of success with peacekeeping operations around the globe, we have forged a new global military power called the United Forces (UF). This new coalition, composed primarily of forces from the United States, members of the European Union, Russia, and Israel will be the first of its kind in working together to annihilate all armed conflicts around the globe and intervene with overwhelming military force. This global power will largely replace failing UN peacekeeping operations.

Contrary to previous UN peacekeeping ideals, the UF will engage all its enemies offensively. Its first mission will be to bring a swift and violent end to piracy off the coast of Somalia and semi-autonomous region of Puntland. Its next focus will be to crush the many rebel groups in the Eastern Congo-Rwanda region and a bring a decisive end to the operations of Al-Qaeda and other terrorist groups in the Middle East and the Taliban in Afghanistan.

"It's about time we stepped up and did something," said UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon in this week's Security Council meeting, "No one likes war, but if you are to end wars, you have to fight. We have tried defensive peacekeeping. In many cases, that has turned out to be the equivalent of sitting there and doing nothing. When you are facing an enemy that kills, rapes, and plunders with impunity, it does no good to just sit there and do nothing."

The announcement has been greeted with mixed results. There have been violent protests by anti-war peace activists in reaction to the Security Council's decision to use force by deploying the UF around the globe. "We don't believe violence is ever the answer," said one peace activist, "Even if someone attacks innocent civilians and commits horrible acts of genocide, we don't believe we should kill them. Make love, not war, man!" as he hurled a beer bottle at police.